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06 December 2009 @ 05:24 am
Is it possible that everything I thought of as tangible,real,steady and reliable is actually the opposite?
According to today's events,yes.
Cure and I are no more.While it pains me to write this,what hurts even more is the circumstances that led to this outcome.He cheated.
Two words...one sentence...a million consequences.
We seemed so happy.So perfect.So in-love.And we'd just done the mandatory 'meet the family thanksgiving' and it seemed to all be going so ridiculously well...nothing works out this well in reality.Fairytales do NOT exsist,at least not in the world of Sadie.
I'd heard that he was chatting with this girl who he had met before me,and while it bothered me a bit,I wasn't about to become 'that' girlfriend.Then,just like that she was calling him and texting and oddly enough,he seemed to be spending a bunch more time with her than me.I'm not the jealous type,maybe a little,and when I confronted him...it all crashed down.
"You're too much Sadie."
"She's easy to love."
"She doesn't make me pay for someone else's mistakes."
How do you respond to that?Simply enough,I drank too much and made a couple bad choices and when I bumped into him later that night,I pretty much embarassed the heck out of both of us in front of quite a large group of our mutual friends.
Now in the moment,my decision to reem his behind felt justified.In its aftermath was a text from Cure which said:"Don't call me.don't text.Sadie,we're done."
I took the end of us like a big girl after that,I went to work today and spent the evening with my family.I always knew we would end,maybe not in such tragic fashion,but I knew.Cure and I had a relationship that wasn't meant to last.We were together for as long as it took for each of us to learn a lesson that we were here to teach the other,and then off into the world as different people.
That's how I see it.Now.
Last night,not so much.
Maybe my lesson for 2009 is to learn to love myself.To be solo for a bit.To enjoy the beauty of a quiet moment for me.Not to share with a significant other.
Or maybe I'm supposed to start dating women?
Love is Love is Love.
But mostly,it seems God wants me to learn about myself and love me before loving another.
And I'm ok with that.
For now.
Thus,another chapter of my storied love life closes.
And a new carton of ice cream shall open...
Sleep tight.
Don't forget your nightlight.
Current Location: bed.comfy.
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: jordin sparks-let it rain
24 November 2009 @ 03:22 am
I'm back.Overwhelmed,but back:-)
I've got so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.It's been a year of ups and downs and very few dull moments,but 2009 seems to be the year where I grew more than any other year before it.
I realized that the person I thought was my destiny was merely blocking me from a brighter future.When it looked impossible to see the sun for all the clouds they caused,I found him.And he saved me in all the ways possible to save another person,he took on my broken and bruised self and looked beyond all of it to who I really am.In turn,I discovered who I was meant to be at this moment and I am in the exact right place at the right time.
I also found God.This year,while I've lost a few friends I discovered a few more who were willing to stick by me through anything.And I received a new best friend in God,someone to listen and love and feel connected to in every way...and after all I'd ever asked for,I discovered that he fit each request and soared above in a thousand ways.I am most thankful this year for Him.
For my family,near and far and those who have turned away...a door will always be open for each and every one of you.
Friends who kept me going and supported me through each endeveour,despite the outlook at the start.
My career that keeps me motivated to be my very best every single day.
My health,because even if it may falter,my Father God will see me through every stumble or setback and He will heal me.This I believe from the depths of my soul.
My home,the comforts of which cannot be replicated anywhere else I roam.
And finally,the one who broke my heart and forced me to be myself.The one who made me so uncomfortable with the place our love had fallen to,the only resort was to end our love and it somehow made us better.Thank you.
Happy Thanksgiving to all.May God bless you and care for you and all of your loved ones.May he keep you healthy,happy,and never let you doubt his love.
Current Location: my couch
Current Mood: thankfulthankful
Current Music: jordin sparks-faith
02 October 2009 @ 05:52 am
There are no words for the path my life has taken the last few months...
I was happily committed to "the one" and he to me,or so I thought.An ex-girlfriend of his came around when our love was having a moment of weakness,seeing this she pounced.He told me nothing was happening,he promised that he loved only me,he said that she didn't matter...he lied.
I found out from a close friend that she'd been with him when I wasn't around,and to top it off he paraded around with her at a party that one of our mutual friends held and told everyone they were together again.
I was heartbroken,I retreated with my heart and tried to heal my soul.But he followed,he chased,he pursued and he BEGGED for my forgiveness.B/C I loved him still with all my heart I took him back,and I pretended everything was okay.Which,it truly was not...
After a couple of rocky weeks,we took another blow.His best friend was getting married,and he openly told me that he wasn't planning on settling down with me anytime soon.Or at all.
I ran far this time,I broke everything into pieces and pretended like he didn't exsist.I tried so hard,it was like living without water or oxygen.I was barely surviving.
He was clean for a few months from his ex-addiction when I saw him again,and this time...I really saw HIM.He wasn't tarnished or bruised and his eyes had that amazing light that I hadn't seen in there for quite some time.And I fell again,albeit more softly and carefully.
The only problem,I'd fallen for someone else who would never hurt me in this way.And I really loved him...really.
Now to the sad,tragic part:I am with the good guy.He isn't you,but he's getting there.And I must admit that for now,it's best we're apart.You've become my best friend,and while I have all the faith that we will be together again one day...the chances seem to grow more dim everyday.
That's all,everything I've been holding in for so long.It had to be said,even if you never see it or read it or know it...I think somehow you might feel it.
Current Mood: relievedrelieved
01 October 2009 @ 11:36 am
I wish I could sleep...wish I hadn't been waken up by my roommate and her early morning expeditions.
But alas,I'm awake and wondering about oh so many things...and apparently wondering at this hour leads to facebooking at this hour which leads one to a sad place where they realize just what a miserable waste their life has become.I'm not old,by any means,but looking at all my h.s. friends and seeing how they're happy,getting married,starting families or generally just living life makes me really feel like I'm missing out.I hold people at bay,look from a distance,and then mourn for the isolation.Maybe that's why I'm alone now...for fear or everything I kept you at arm's length and she let you in.Maybe that's why I didn't get the promotion I deserved,for fear or everything I kept everyone away from seeing the real me and how great I could be.Maybe time and life has changed,maybe I shouldn't feel so sad about what other people choose to do with their lives,their hearts.But somehow I can't help but to think that if I followed this latter piece of advice,I'd feel even more disconnected.
When I do get myself back,I hope to find You.
Current Location: bed...should be sleeping.
Current Mood: awake
All of the time away has really helped me...I've been bouncing through vacation and work and all those other posts I've put up before I am contemplating removing because so much of it was not reflective of who I am anymore.
I finally arrived home tonight,both figuratively and literally,and things feel so different.Of course settling into life after being away is always weird and I always feel like I'm on this semi-vacation thing for the first few days.
I used to think so narrow-mindedly,not open to seeing the world and people around me but now I have and I see the way God intends for us to live.I used to think there was just one person meant for me,I'd burn just to feel his love and be in his world...but this Summer you broke my heart and I discovered Real Love.God is always there for us,he never asks for anything in return and perhaps my greatest discovery is simply that for so long I prayed to have a soulmate,another half,someone capable of making me happy,keeping me sane,making things right again,and you could never do all those things...He can.All this time I've been searching for something I had all along...isn't that fantastic!?
I'll write more tomorrow on us,what you did and why I cried and how when I looked in your eyes I could tell who you were anymore until it was too late and someone else had rescused me.The night when I looked at you,and I could really see you was one of the best nights of my life.But you've become hazy again Mr.Perfect and this time I won't be searching so hard to see you clearly...
Good night,sweet dreams,
Current Location: home sweet homizzle...
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: jonas;-p
24 May 2009 @ 08:59 pm
I'm still alive.
I know,it's a miracle,right?!
I have gone through a ton of stuff lately and it seems to be mounting up on me into an almost ridiculous amount of crap.But still,I don't want to complain,instead I should be thankful for what I have.What I do have is a job.A raise.A family.and Life.
Things could be worse,but they aren't and I don't ask for nor intend them to be.Just please God don't let anything else come down on me.
I've lost one of my closest friends through my own strongheaded bullsh**.Her and I just no longer see eye to eye and it has become increasingly difficult to be able to get along with her in a way in which we both benefit,which can only mean the end of our time together was inevitable.I will miss her.
Work is crazy like usual.But it's a job and a job that I am thankful for that,despite the lack of help and cooperation from co-workers and management.I am hoping like crazy that I get a promotion soon,seeing as how we've got a manager leaving,one that I will be sad to see go.She was the first person to interview me almost two years ago when I first got my job,she's been a shoulder to cry on and a ear to listen,and a really great inspiration to me.I wish there was some way she'd stay.
Family is family.We fight,we make-up,we fight, and we trudge along.But God I do not know what I'd do without them.I love them.
So,that's about it.The rest is the rest and I am tired.
Please let it all be ok.
19 April 2009 @ 12:06 am
people can be flippin' loca.
work has been the same,people here and there and quitting and take all the glory for my greatness but i'm used to it.fyi:if anyone has any advice for me...i'd totally appreciate some words of wisdom.
just remember not to take things for granted and that sometimes even the small things can be the best....make it all count.
can you tell that i may have had a few drinks?
love and peace.
10 April 2009 @ 10:51 pm
I'm still here...just very loca busy:-)
31 March 2009 @ 06:40 pm
I'm having a bad hair day and my day was totally intended to be way better than it turned out,but it could be worse....like I could possibly be working right now and I'm not so=happy face.I was totally battling a massive migrane and a difficult anatomy exam and then I thought I would go into work and show everyone how badly I wanted the promotion and deserved it...but alas I tried and was pretty much basically shot down and told that I need to be better.
I'm f*&^%*! awesome and everyone should know that.I hate having those angsty moments where it feels like nothing is going right,much like last night, and then I try to be all positive and super awesome to everyone's face and this is what it gets me:
^@ &^*&!!%#^&$*(^)&_(()^*$#!~!@#$%^&*())(*^$#@!~@$$^^&*()@@#$R*^(&)POHVF!!@#$%^&*(*&^%$#@!!@#$%^&*()
You know?!
So back to being positive and being me and real and raw and partying my booty off this weekend to make up for the sadness.Too bad it's only Tuesday.
See they tell me to be more verbal and visible and viola:I jump through the hoop.
They tell me to be more into one area and do more of this or that and viola:I hope right through that hoop too.
I'm tired of hoop jumping,someone please just tell me when I can stop jumping through hoops and into something stable,something real.
Please...I'm getting sad here.
Alright,if anyone is paying attention...I'll post later when I'm not feeling so shiteous.
Current Location: home-home
Current Mood: angsty but hopeful
Current Music: llistening to Entertainment Tonight in the background
30 March 2009 @ 10:48 pm

You have to laugh:


Current Mood: pepping up:-)
Current Music: tyler hilton "kiss on"